Donde pongo el ojo pongo la bala.
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A lesson [to myself] in detachment.

Today I apologized to someone for something (or a lot of somethings) I didn’t even know I was sorry about. No, correction: I think, deep down, I knew I was sorry, I just didn’t feel like I had anything to apologize for, especially if (and isn’t this always the kicker?) I knew what that person had done to me and I knew they sure as hell weren’t ever going to apologize for it!

What an interesting aspect of human psychology — or perhaps just my psychology? We’re willing to admit to ourselves when we’re in the wrong, but not aloud unless we know other party will feel remorseful, as well.

And so, today’s lesson to myself was simply the reminder that I am not responsible for anyone’s actions but my own. I am only responsible for how I behave in any given situation, and how having behaved differently could have produced a more positive outcome, if not from the entire debacle, definitely in my life-education. Plus, any slight you may perceive is just your side of the coin, and as the saying goes, “It takes two to tango,” which means you probably’ve done as much harm as was done to you. Now flip it and think… if you could offer someone one little bit of healing or closure, why in the world not give it?

I think I need constant reminders that anything I perceive as being done to me is simply being done by someone, and their behavior might have repercussions on my life, but ultimately doesn’t have to affect my soul (yeah, I busted out the s-word). How someone feels at the end of the day or at the end of their life for the compendium of their actions really has nothing at all to do with me, now does it?

But in the interest of full disclosure, perhaps it’s a bit selfish to apologize, in a sense, as well: the ghosts of the past are much easier to let go of when your mind’s at peace — and the more of my past crimes I evaluate, analyze, come to terms with, feel remorseful for, and eventually apologize for, the easier each subsequent apology/healing gets. Kind of like a muscle, I guess. And so, here I flex again:

I’m sorry.