I’m trying to work on a translation (which I’m discovering is nearly impossible on “family vacation”, so I’m a little panicked at this point – anyway!), George is setting up lights in the barn, and we’re watching Up. Do you know the part of the movie where they play you Carl and Ellie’s life in little snippets of the important things they lived through? The second that part started, I lost it. Completely. Like huge, shuddering sobs. I am the biggest sissy I have ever met.
There are so many things in that sequence that kill me. First of all, the fact that Carl is a grumpy old man, and then you finally understand why he’s such a grumpy old man. Their life, how much they loved each other, the fact that they were best friends before and above everything else. That what originally brought them together was their sense of adventure and everything they wanted to do in life. The fact that every time they saved, some unavoidable life event came up, and there went their Paradise Falls savings. The fact that they couldn’t have children.
I guess it hits a chord with me because I’m afraid of so many of those things. I see “real life” events coming up all the time and making us continuously postpone the adventurous things we have planned. (Side note: I have always hated the joke, “Wanna make God laugh? Make plans.” Ugh.) Trivial things like our fridge breaking, my flat tires, &c. I don’t want to ever feel like my marriage has caused either of us to let go of or give up on any of the dreams we had prior to or since getting married. I don’t want to be a grumpy old fart-ess one day, who can’t even be kind to children…
Children. I guess that’s the part that hits me the most. It is premature to really worry about this, since we haven’t decided to have kids yet, but I stress about whether we’ll be able to have them and what if we can’t, what then, do we adopt, do we not, do we foster, and so many so-forths you don’t even know.
Worrying doesn’t really solve anything, though, does it? It’s not going to make life magically solve itself, it’s not going to put money in our bank accounts, or fertilized eggs in my fallopian tubes (when the time is right, of course). So I guess I’ll just keep stumbling through my translation and crying over tender scenes in CHILDREN’S movies, like the total mature, stoic, worldly adult that I am. heh
P.S. George? I totally get to die first.
December 26, 2010 2 Comments
I’ve been a jumble of nerves, a mess of emotions, for the past few days. As a testament to the power of the mind and how it shields us from the things we don’t want to think about, it didn’t dawn on me until just this moment why I’ve felt, as cliché as this may sound, “sick to my heart”. Today is a date best forgotten… but I just can’t seem to let go, to forgive others, to forgive myself.
It’s taken me months to write in here again, even something as obscure as that. Everything has seemed too personal and too “mine” to want to share it or to even rehash it for myself by putting it into written words, but I haven’t felt this overwhelmed and flooded with thoughts that need some sort of an outlet in, perhaps, years.
I guess that makes this my re-introduction into the blogging world. Be gentle, Internet!
August 16, 2010 3 Comments